Yeah, that’s how I am feeling right now. I want to scream, “UGH, Ann Voskamp! Why did I have to land on your site?” But, I know why. I needed to land there because I needed to find out about her upside down blogger community. I needed to hear His words through her keyboard.
How many times have I sat on the other side of this screen and wondered why in the world I was even allowing my fingers to move? How many times have I turned up my nose at blogging here simply because the site meter wasn’t revealing anything of use? She’s dead on when she tells bloggers to quit writing for the site meter results and do it for the ONE. If we are claiming to serve Him then writing for Him, and Him alone, should be the ultimate goal and the peak of success.
I found myself reading more and more of her posts as His Spirit called out to me the truth I already knew. She said, in one of them, that she had been blogging for 6 years and I think I’ve got her beat. However, I haven’t been faithful here and if I am honest then, I haven’t been faithful to what I’ve been asked to do. He reminded me of that last night as I played over and over in my head just what the heck I was going to do about the utter disaster that is my life.
Here’s the thing, Ann Voskamp, if I’m going to be real and honest and a bare breasted duck lining this nest with feathers ripped from my own soul, I told my husband (about two months ago) that I am leaving him. How’s that for a seemingly unChristian thing to do? My reasons for leaving him are valid (as worldly concerns go- certainly) and I feel that I understand the Scriptural repercussions of the decision: stay single or be reconciled to him.
I believe God can do miraculous things and He can move mountains to reconcile this marriage. However, I cannot continue in its midst. There are a number of things I could say about it, but I don’t see that it would be useful at this juncture.
I have cried so many tears prior to, and since, making this decision. I have wept face first on a dusty floor that I should have swept better. I’ve released torrents in the shower, in front of the mirror, on my pillow, and in a dark closet. I have anguished over this and prayed and prayed. Yet, I see no other alternative and am forced to continue this path.
God has opened doors, ways out that I am certain only He would provide. Then there are other options He has kept closed. What’s most frustrating is that sometimes His open doors seem like rabbit holes (and there’s a white rabbit in the lead). They are scary and uncertain and yet I know if I just trust, His promised land (rather than a wonderland) is on the other side because He is there.
I’m probably not making as much sense here as I want to be, tears sometimes blur coherence. What I can say is that He always opens writing doors for me and I often chicken out because I don’t see how they will provide for my family (the three kids who will now be my sole responsibility). But, if I do truly trust God, then I’ll recognize He’s the provider not me. So, thanks again (sarcastically), Ann Voskamp, for reiterating what He said to my Spirit last night: “Write, it’s what I told you to do anyway.”