I wrote a poem, years ago, with that line in it. It seems wholly appropriate, that on the day that my children decide to break the blown glass hummingbird ornament I have had for years, that I talk to you about the taped shards of this blown glass heart.
Do you know what it looks like to blow glass? Have you ever watched the bulb of melted sand be turned and breathed upon by the artisan? I have. In fact, when I was a considerably younger woman, my father dabbled in blown glass. It is really quite amazing.
But, if you have never seen it created, that is not nearly as important as whether or not you have held a piece in your hand. Recall how light and fragile it is? How careful you had to be? Even the slightest bit of roughness, a too-tight grip, could shatter it into a million pieces.
And, if we are honest, we can trust one another to admit that our hearts, those secret places where our emotions dwell, are as fragile as blown glass. Sadly, most of us are not prepared to acknowledge how utterly vulnerable and fragile we truly are. We are all so afraid of being shattered, of being broken, cracked, scarred, that we avoid deep interaction with one another.
So, let’s go back to the taped shards. I see now that my shards are not taped together. Rather the
scars of years of abuse and pain are what hold this pulverized heart in one piece. But those same scars are what prevent me from feeling some of the things that those who have been less broken, feel.
Until recently, I had no desire to change that situation. I was content in my brokenness, using the scars to supposedly protect me. In truth, they were encaging me in my own pain.
Having exited another abusive relationship changed that position. My eyes were opened to the fact that living this way is not really living at all. How can I glorify my King if I am afraid to feel all that He has created me to feel? How can I love others if I don’t ever let them have access to my heart? And, how can I avoid getting into another abusive relationship?
I do not want to be a further broken woman. My shattered soul is in need of real healing, the kind that only comes when we admit our emotional reality. Here I am before you admitting that I have been a pieced together example of humanity. That I have only felt a few things to the depth I was supposed to because I have allowed my scars to make me numb.
As I face the real hurts and joys, it is important that I bust open those scars. And, this process, as some of you may know, is hugely agonizing. I am finding that the more I open the heart the more readily I cry. It seems that my heart is visible for all, and I don’t like it. But, I know it is necessary, so I lay it out before you.
Perhaps you will join me on this quest for healing. Certainly, if you are in a relationship with Christ you know the Healer. If you don’t, you might find my fictional novel of interest. Let’s meet the Healer where He is, and allow Him to fuse these hearts in His own seamless methods.
**The featured image is by Alvin Trusty**