Shut up brain! I want to scream at the top of my lungs in the silence of this empty, seemingly always empty, store. I think too much. I contemplate too much. I analyze too much. And nothing changes. It’s all a waste of time. Maybe Solomon had the same problem because this surely feels like chasing after the wind.
It’s been an interesting week, I guess. My heart has been so heavy. So heavy… Tears well as I write that. The weight is tangible, making me sink within myself and wonder things that should never cross my mind.
“I feel like the writing is thin,” a friend told me about one of my books. I’ve replayed that statement over and over and I know she wasn’t being mean, not in the least, it was just “thin” in her mind, but… OUCH. I wish I could say that the tears rolling off my cheeks tickle, but instead, they just remind me of how insignificant and poorly chosen I feel.
Saturday as I drove away from this silent place, in my silent car, I cried out to God. “Why do you ask wicked vile people to do righteous things?” My whole body shook as I wept. Why would He ever entrust me with His holiness? Why would He ever grant me access to His presence? WHY does He ask wicked vile people to do righteous things?
Now, before you get all pat answer on me, understand that I know why. It’s simple but absolutely incomprehensible to a brain that won’t shut up, a mind that thinks too much. The answer? Because He loves us (me) and He wants us (me).
I’m writing a small eBook for people who have endured childhood sexual abuse. I let a friend read it. She thinks it’s good, but she thinks that I’m not the “prepared warrior” I’ll need to be to break into my own heart and apply my own advice. How can I not be strong enough to break into my own heart?
There’s a fortress still there, she tells me.
And I wonder what the heck I’ve been doing sitting here at this computer screen pouring out this fortress if it still towers over me. Then I think, if she believes that I don’t take my own advice in the wee eBook, then why would anyone else having suffered similar things, take it? Am I just giving them pat answers? Because if that’s the case, I need to delete it and start again or give up this “thin” writing altogether.
Do you see what I mean when I say I think too much? The same friend who said I am not prepared, called me a princess, because that’s what I tell women in the book, that we are God’s princesses because we are heirs to the Kingdom. Logic implies that if God is King and we are heirs, and His children, then women of the Body are princesses. I get that in my mind, but when she told me, “sweet dreams, princess,” as her closing remarks, I had to snicker.
Me? A princess? Ha! But if that’s how I feel, then surely the women I am telling this truth to also feel that way. So how do we change our perspectives? How do we eradicate all the lies about our personages that we’ve accepted long enough to disbelieve the truth of God’s Word? With a snicker, no less?
Yeah, shut up brain! Open up heart!