There are lessons in the losses. Yesterday was an epic fail. You know that verse that says, “be angry and sin not?” Well it’s in Psalm 4 (initially happens in Ephesians too) in case you’re unfamiliar. Anyway, I totally failed in that arena yesterday. I got angry and I mean really angry and certainly did not choose to sin not.
Instead, I let my thoughts and my tongue run away from me. If you know me at all, you probably (unless you’ve known me for a long time), have never heard me curse. It was just one of those things that kind of miraculously went away when I returned to my faith in 2008. However, there’s one thing/person in my life whose actions bring out the expletives in me.
I don’t use social media to vent my frustrations about him. I don’t talk trash about him in front of my children and unless he does something to push my buttons, I really just try not to think about him at all. Yesterday was, in my mind, a rather extreme moment of button pushing.
Let me set the stage for you. Someone knows for a month that they’re supposed to do something. You plan accordingly. Two days before said someone is supposed to do said thing, he calls and cancels. Your plans are now ruined and may therefore cost you nearly $1000.
Ask yourself, “Would I be livid?”
Well, I was.
I saw it as yet another way my life was still being controlled by said individual and it lit me up! That tongue spark was ignited and a plethora of expletives and what I’d like to do’s broke through my usual mouth barricade. I allowed that rage and disappointment and discouragement to seethe for hours. I cursed, I cried, I punched things. Total temper tantrum I guess, now that I’m listing it like that.
I went to church still down trodden and complained some more on the phone to my BFF before I went to bed. But when I woke up, something was different. I’m not going to say I was in total peace, but I was willing to seek God in it all. Of course, the first thing that hit me was the fact I’d blown the “sin not” verse. So, I repented. Then what was spoken at church last night about waiting on the Lord came to mind. Then I realized the sermon I was listening to on the radio was also about waiting on the Lord.
I wondered if I just wanted to hear that as hopes the individual would change his mind and live up to his responsibility, or if God was indeed speaking this to me. As I write this, I’m still not sure, but I am attempting to wait just in case.****
On the drive in to school (I’m a teacher) I spoke out loud to God (as a friend recommended) and shared my feelings and thoughts with Him. When I got to work, some more things were made apparent. See, well I know that from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. And, whenever I start thinking/talking about this person (to anyone but my children) my heart of bitterness is revealed in my words. This is an area of my heart that is, no doubt, hindering my relationship with the King because He wants bitterness put away from us (Ephesians 4:31-32). Obviously, I’ve been doing just the opposite.
So, He revealed a condition of my heart that needs work in the midst of all this. Then, He revealed that my perspective is skewed. There are, of course, many ways in which that is true in my life as I’ve revealed in this blog and this one. To be more specific here though, my outrage was mostly focused on this individual’s ability to control my life…still. But this morning it dawned on me that if God is truly in control, then this person is only a “tool” in whatever God has planned (in this case, lessons in the losses). And, the only power he has, is that which I give him when I choose to look at him as anything other than a tool.
He can do nothing to my life, my plans, my emotions, unless I let him. Otherwise, I have to view things as all God, or all things He’s allowed, for some purpose that’s for my good because I love Him. This is a “game changer” as one of my friends is fond of saying.
Perhaps when I revoke the power I’ve given, I’ll also be putting away bitterness. I’m not sure, but it’s certainly what seems to be necessary at this moment. Thankfully, God often uses an epic fail to open our eyes to His wisdom, mercy, and power. May my eyes remain wide to what He’s choosing to do in my life and circumstances. May the same be true for you and yours!
PRAISE REPORT ****Said individual did change his mind and I won’t be losing my almost $1000. My plans aren’t ruined and God was DEFINITELY speaking to me!!! I got these confirmations probably five hours or so after I wrote this piece.