“You haven’t written anything since August,” this possible new friend said to me yesterday as we sat across from one another at a coffee shop. And now, as I sit here before this screen I honestly have no idea what to write. I know that my own personal faith trials since August have kept me from this keyboard. The lack of joy and the overwhelming exhaustion left me little inspiration to offer to anyone. So, I did not write. I could not make myself write. I could not gather the words to say how wonderful God was because I was feeling so utterly alone.
I am in the middle of a divorce as many of you know, and if you didn’t previously, you do now. It’s been going on since April or May of last year. I am tired. I do not want to fight. I do not want to argue. I just want to be done. A woman at work reminded me, probably in October, of the fact that no weapon formed against us will stand. I have heard over and over that God will fight for us. But sometimes, we simply don’t hand over the weak weaponry we pretend to have. We think that we have to do this or that. As if we could possibly help God in some way. No doubt He shakes His head at us and lets us forge into battle weak and afraid until, as I heard on the radio last week: When we come to the point that we realize Jesus is all we have, we realize Jesus is all we need.
I am at that point. I have no strength left. I am exhausted. Jesus is indeed all I have and He showed me this week that He is all I need. He showed me in a way I cannot describe in words, but since that’s what I’m trying to do here, I’ll give it a shot.
I had recently read the verse Luke 18:7. I am fond of the parable of the old woman who goes to the judge until she annoys him enough that he gives in to her request. After Jesus tells that part of the story He adds that God will give justice (ESV) to those who cry out to Him and that He won’t be slow about it. That’s a paraphrase by the way, you should probably read it for yourself. Anyway, I wondered what that word justice meant because I know how heinous a human being I am and I certainly don’t want Him to give me justice for my deeds. I found that in the KJV it tells us that God will avenge. So, I broke out the Strong’s and discovered the Greek meaning for the word avenge: retaliate, vindicate, and punish.
That was impressive. It took that no weapon formed against us will stand to another level. It gave me a visual of how He fights for me. And since I was dealing with some pretty sucky life stuff that very week, in fact troubling news came the day after I had discovered that meaning, I decided to pray that God would retaliate, vindicate, and punish on my behalf in the situation at hand. And do you know what? He did. He did in ways I could have never imagined. At that moment I felt His good daddy love for me. I am not used to that feeling.
You don’t know my life and I don’t know yours, but I can tell you that when it comes to God’s love for us I generally only understand it in a cerebral way. I don’t typically feel it. Love is something that is hard for me to internalize. Do I love people? Absolutely, but I don’t necessarily believe or accept their love for me. Too much in my past to explain all this here, but that’s the simple reality of the situation. So when I felt God protecting me, defending me, and punishing my enemy this week it was AMAZING. So much so that I have pretty well told everyone who knows me personally about it. It was a revelation. Yes, I know the Bible says God loves me, but Wednesday, January 24th, 2018, I felt it in a tangible way. And, that’s HUGE.
I pray that He will make Himself so apparent to you this week and the weeks that follow that you can no longer hide in intellect, as I often do. Let Him truly touch you, ask Him to. He will!