Freakin’ Out

So maybe I’m not totally freakin’ out, but it’s safe to say that I am a little. I’ve been texting back and forth with a woman I see as a pillar of faith. She has withstood the storms and come out a radiant diamond after all the pressure and beating. Seriously, she’s a woman that I would look up to if I didn’t understand that we all suck equally.

Samaritans Passover at Mount Gerizim by: Flavlo~
Samaritans Passover at Mount Gerizim by: Flavlo~

Yet, she’s telling me she feels like an Israelite questioning God about the things occurring in her life. And I told her, we’re all Israelites. At least at some point in our walks. We get a bit whiny when we want things to go one way but they go another.

But, I’m here freakin’ out because I keep seeing God answer my prayers in ways that are incredible but terrifying at the exact same time.

Have you ever known what you wanted, both out of life and to do with it? Truth is, I’ve known what I wanted to do with my life since I was eleven years old. And then, when I was

Murphy Lecture by: Southern Arkansas University
Murphy Lecture by: Southern Arkansas University

eighteen I had a vision of me standing in front of a large number of people talking.

I don’t generally tell people about that, but it was the reason I decided to go ahead and become a teacher (in the public school setting). Yet, that was never really what I wanted to do with my life and it never truly fulfilled that vision.

Now, as the day approaches that could truly be the catapult into the future I do desire, one that brings glory to God through the suffering He allowed me to endure, I am feeling quite anxious. You see, the things that I desire in this life, freedom to serve Him in all that I do, are things that do not bring any guarantee of provision for my family. Surely God will provide for His daughter and her children, I know that, but I feel the searing stares of people who think I have lost my mind for pursuing things that are uncertain.

studyDon’t underestimate my humanity though. I have applied for job after job after job. I have had a couple of interviews and yet the only job that I was offered was going to cost me more money than it would ever make me. So what does that tell you?

It says, keep doing what you’re doing because that is the only door that He has opened for you.

Here I sit behind this computer screen staring at another open door and I am fearful of entering in.

Have you ever asked God for something and seen Him answer and then started backtracking on your request? Reconsidering what you said and then trying to reinvent the answer and direction it implies?

That’s what I am doing right now.

Lets Backtrack by: Hillary Boles
Lets Backtrack by: Hillary Boles

I know what I asked and the fact that it was answered is inexplicable, aside from God heard my request and granted it, but now I am afraid to follow through. Oh and yeah, I know fear isn’t of God. I get that. But that doesn’t make it less real when it’s your entire family’s future at stake!

Now I have to laugh at myself because who knows better about my family’s future than God Himself? Seriously, why do I get so arrogant as to think I should revise His answers?


40+11 By: Bark
40+11 By: Bark

Are you shaking your head at me too? I deserve it. But, what about you? What are you running from knowing full well He’s pointing you towards? Just sayin’. For real, I don’t think me and my friend are the only Gentile Israelites on the planet if you know what I mean…

Featured Image by: Selena N.B.H. (Flickr)


  1. Israelites stand up! Lock your shaking knees and stand firm, we are all in that position at some point. Our fragile fleshly selves can’t comprehend exactly what God has in store for us.

    1. You got that right! I am thankful that God puts people in our lives who believe in us and are willing to take risks with us while we get ready to cross the Red Sea and head closer toward the promised land. You are a blessing!

  2. Felt that way many of times as I have always been a bit of a risk taker when it comes to entrepreneurship. The biggest one was after my divorce & deciding I was going to remain in control of my life & be there for my girls so I stayed self-employed. Talk about scared & whiny like an Israelite! BUT MY GOD…He has never left me nor forsaken me & provided for all mine & my children’s needs. To this day I remain an independent contractor who is totally dependent on my loving Father God!

    Looking forward to hearing you speak in May!


    1. I am glad we had the opportunity to meet, sister. I will look forward to seeing you again in May. And, praise God from whom all blessings flow!

  3. So true! When I as 15 God revealed my future occupation. So when I went to college did I start taking classes in that field right away? Nope. I circled the drain for most of the time and almost quit because I was afraid I would fail or it would be too hard. I even told my mom I wanted to drop out. Her answer? “Let’s pray about it”. I took my first broadcasting classes the following semester and loved every class I took and eventually got my degree and a job at a local TV station. If Edison can fail over 1000 times inventing a lightbulb, can’t we take chances as well. Failure is not the end anyway but a stepping stone to success unless you quit.

    1. You are quite right, friend. And, I have reaped the benefits of your mother’s advice and your pursuit of what you love. Glad to call you friend!

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