So maybe I’m not totally freakin’ out, but it’s safe to say that I am a little. I’ve been texting back and forth with a woman I see as a pillar of faith. She has withstood the storms and come out a radiant diamond after all the pressure and beating. Seriously, she’s a woman that I would look up to if I didn’t understand that we all suck equally.
Yet, she’s telling me she feels like an Israelite questioning God about the things occurring in her life. And I told her, we’re all Israelites. At least at some point in our walks. We get a bit whiny when we want things to go one way but they go another.
But, I’m here freakin’ out because I keep seeing God answer my prayers in ways that are incredible but terrifying at the exact same time.
Have you ever known what you wanted, both out of life and to do with it? Truth is, I’ve known what I wanted to do with my life since I was eleven years old. And then, when I was
eighteen I had a vision of me standing in front of a large number of people talking.
I don’t generally tell people about that, but it was the reason I decided to go ahead and become a teacher (in the public school setting). Yet, that was never really what I wanted to do with my life and it never truly fulfilled that vision.
Now, as the day approaches that could truly be the catapult into the future I do desire, one that brings glory to God through the suffering He allowed me to endure, I am feeling quite anxious. You see, the things that I desire in this life, freedom to serve Him in all that I do, are things that do not bring any guarantee of provision for my family. Surely God will provide for His daughter and her children, I know that, but I feel the searing stares of people who think I have lost my mind for pursuing things that are uncertain.
Don’t underestimate my humanity though. I have applied for job after job after job. I have had a couple of interviews and yet the only job that I was offered was going to cost me more money than it would ever make me. So what does that tell you?
It says, keep doing what you’re doing because that is the only door that He has opened for you.
Here I sit behind this computer screen staring at another open door and I am fearful of entering in.
Have you ever asked God for something and seen Him answer and then started backtracking on your request? Reconsidering what you said and then trying to reinvent the answer and direction it implies?
That’s what I am doing right now.
I know what I asked and the fact that it was answered is inexplicable, aside from God heard my request and granted it, but now I am afraid to follow through. Oh and yeah, I know fear isn’t of God. I get that. But that doesn’t make it less real when it’s your entire family’s future at stake!
Now I have to laugh at myself because who knows better about my family’s future than God Himself? Seriously, why do I get so arrogant as to think I should revise His answers?
Are you shaking your head at me too? I deserve it. But, what about you? What are you running from knowing full well He’s pointing you towards? Just sayin’. For real, I don’t think me and my friend are the only Gentile Israelites on the planet if you know what I mean…
Featured Image by: Selena N.B.H. (Flickr)